Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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