I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
