Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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