Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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