I cannot find my penis.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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