Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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