dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
