walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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