it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
