True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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