yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
