My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
pop tarts are not kleenex
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
