Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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