So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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