Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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