Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
