I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
