you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
