I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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