The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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