someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
