I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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