no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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