My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I didn't shave. On purpose
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Terrible idea I love it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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