Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
