if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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