I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
