this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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