If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
