So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
we're so committed to being not committed
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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