Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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