Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
