u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
