I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
