guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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