Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize