Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
