things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
