Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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