I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
