i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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