you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
