She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize