I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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