we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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