i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I am spending my child support on dildos
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
