why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
