you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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