why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
