Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
