Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
