how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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