come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
