don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
