i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i love accidental penises.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
