I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
