she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
