Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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