True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
