did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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