im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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