don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
